Monday, October 31, 2011

No Words

I wanted to make a post today. I have several different ideas for what to write about. But I can't find the words for any of them.

I'm feeling really depressed lately. Various things keep happening to bring me down. We moved away from the first friends I've made in 10 years and I don't think I know how to make new friends. I had a problem at one of my classes and now I'm not sure if I'll be able to pass it, and I know I need to figure out how to study for it but I don't know how to study and feeling despair over it just makes me want to escape. My Mom is stressed out about her new job and my brother is struggling with depression related to school issues.

And I feel at such a loss. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Like none of my dreams will ever come true. I had a taste of something great and wonderful. I'd finally found my place in the world. And now I don't have that, and what I always made do with before is suddenly no longer enough for me. But I don't know how to get it all back.

So I keep searching for something to make me happy or at least distract me from my sadness. And it works for a bit, but it never seems to last. I wanted to enjoy Halloween, but my Dad hates any holliday in which he's expected to spend money. He claims we're running low on cash, but because he panics over every cost I have no idea if that's true or if it's just memories of starving at the end of the month as a child, coming back to haunt him. And everyone says I'm too old for trick-or-treating - I still want to trick-or-treat, but I'm scared that people will make their gentle teasing comments that cut me like knives. They wouldn't say that to a person with Down Syndrome, but no one can see that I have a developmental disability. And I've constantly been pressured to grow up before I'm ready, and missed out on things as a result. Only difference is now I know what's happening.

And I've always believed the future will be better. But now I don't know anymore. Maybe I shouldn't wish for things to get better for me anymore. Because if they get better and then it all goes away, it's worse than if I never had it.

I just feel so lost. I don't want to problem solve. I don't want to meet with my TA to talk about our conflict. I don't want to struggle yet again to convince my brother that he's a wonderful kid, even though he says it really helps him. I just want it all to stop. I want things to be better, without me having to work at it. Because I'm exhausted.


Blogger Kathryn Bjornstad-Kelly said...

Hey, I'm really sorry you're feeling depressed. I wish I had some advice but when people are depressed that doesn't seem to help that much, and pressure to be happy again just makes things worse.

Would you like me to add this one to the ASDay blog or would you rather not have it broadcast? I think that your post illustrates some things about life with autism that are worth sharing but I will understand if you prefer it kept private. You can e-mail me at kmbjornstad at gmail dot com, either about ASDay or just to talk.


1:33 PM  
Blogger Alberta Adventurers said...

Hey Ettina. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I love your writing and read all of your posts - I get such pleasure and understanding from your wonderful intelligence and perception. I wish I could help you. Jaquie xxxx

12:42 AM  

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