Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I Just Want to be a Mother, So Why Is That Breaking So Many 'Rules'?

I really don't think my desire to be a mother is so unusual. I kind of feel that what I'm feeling is basically what many women feel when they decide to stop taking birth control pills and start looking to have sex at that special time between two periods. I just want to have a little kid of my own, someone I can raise and be responsible for and feel that deep love and bond with. Someone who will carry something of who I am in their heart after I'm gone.

But somehow, to fulfil this simple desire, I keep finding myself breaking all the rules.

I'm a disabled woman. For some people, that in itself means I shouldn't be a parent. Worse yet, I'm autistic - a disability supposedly inherently linked to bad parenting. Even worse, I currently can't live independently or hold down a job, which means others (my parents) will have to pay the costs for me having a kid. For many people, the nature of my disability suggests I shouldn't be a parent.

To add to that, my disability is genetic. My biological child could very well inherit my autism, and some people feel that this should prevent me from having a biological child at all. Worse yet, the prospect of having an autistic child doesn't bother me in the slightest - in fact, I'd prefer that outcome, and would like to increase my chances of an autistic child. The idea of some parents preferring and seeking to produce disabled children is another thing many people condemn. And that's with deafness, a condition that, under the best circumstances, has much less impact on your abilities than autism does.

I'm also planning on being a single parent. Single motherhood is still seen as a suboptimal parenting arrangement, and to decide to do it willingly? Well, that's labelled 'irresponsible'. What's even more shocking, though I have no idea why, is the fact that I will be a virgin when I have my child. And the reason why? Not only am I asexual, but I'm also afraid of sex, which some people think means I can't form a proper bond with my child.

Furthermore, since I'm planning on artificial means to have a child, many people probably think that if I have a child it should be through adoption. The idea that, while I'd love to adopt, I also want a child with my genes, and that the desire to produce a biological child doesn't mean I think adopted children are any less valuable, doesn't make sense to many people. And unlike many infertile couples, unless they lift the ban on human cloning, my child will have a genetic connection to an absent parent, which some people thinks will doom them to identity problems. I am planning on finding a donor myself rather than going through a clinic (because sperm banks don't let openly autistic guys donate sperm), which some people think is a terrible idea. And if they did allow human cloning, then going that route would be considered highly narcissistic by certain people. So my only option for having a kid who won't grow up with genes from an absent parent is also 'breaking the rules'.

I fall into a dizzying variety of categories of 'people who shouldn't be having kids'. But despite all this, I know I can be a good mother, as long as I get the right kind of help. And yes, my desire to have a child is selfish, but really, has anyone ever conceived a child for non-selfish reasons?

I'll just ignore the nay-sayers and do what's right for me and the family I dream of having. And who knows? Maybe all of this will be good preparation for when I am a parent, and someone inevitably decides that my parenting isn't good enough. I'm sure my transgressions won't end once I get that positive pregnancy test - in fact, they'll only be beginning.


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