Wednesday, February 22, 2017

How My Relationships Have Changed

 Today's prompt is:
Write about the relationships in your life before you learned about the aromantic spectrum or before you began identifying on the spectrum. Have you noticed a big change in how you view the people you care about? About how you used to interact with people? Write about your experiences before you discovered the aromantic spectrum.
Tomorrow's prompt is:
Write about the relationships in your life after you learned about the aromantic spectrum and began identifying on the spectrum. What kinds of relationships do you appreciate more now, if any? What’s different for you identifying as aromantic? What’s different in viewing the people around you?
Honestly, I don't think that I can write two separate blog entries about this, especially since I've only identified as aro for a few months. (Sort of. It's complicated, read my post about it.) So I'll write one post for both prompts, and figure out something else to write tomorrow.

So, about my relationships. Well, firstly, I don't have any heartbroken exes who I couldn't fall in love with, like many aros I know. I have never been in a serious romantic relationship.

The closest I came was before I identified as ace, when a black boy started chatting me up while I was waiting outside a library (not open yet) when I was fifteen. I realized that he was flirting with me (I'm shocked that I even realized it) and thought "hey, maybe I could try and see if this could develop into something". He invited me to watch some TV at his house nearby, and foolishly, I agreed. I watched part of I Am Sam, and chatted with him, sharing a lot of personal details since I have no sense of privacy. Then I decided to leave, and he blocked my way and told me I had to kiss him before he'd let me leave. I threatened to call the cops on him, and he backed down.

My non-romantic relationships are another matter. My brother and I have always been extremely close, and I tend to get very close to my friends. Unfortunately my only friend right now lives in another town, and I can't really do long distance relationships very well. Last time I saw her, I felt numb, and I fear that even if I moved back closer to her, I might never regain our closeness. The time when we were going to university together was the happiest time in my life, and I fear that I'll never be that happy again.

(I just got interrupted by a call from my Mom. She asked how I was and I answered honestly, and ended up crying into the phone at her. So this is really hurting me.)

Probably one of the more hopeful changes recently is that I explicitly told my brother that he's the most important person in my life and I want to always have him in my life. I also have realized that he is 18 and has never had a girlfriend or even a serious crush (even though he's clearly heterosexual) and realizing that it's possible to be heterosexual aromantic has made me wonder about him. But he thinks he'll meet someone eventually, so we'll see. I've been kind of dreading his eventual marriage, worrying that it might change things between us, but he assures me that he'll always want me in his life, no matter what. It's more solidifying what we already had, but it's still good.

I don't know what the future holds. I want more connection in my life, but I don't know if I'll ever find it. We'll see.


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