Roughhousing and Sore Days

Recently, I unfollowed a parenting YouTuber because he expressed agreement with the idea that only dads can roughhouse children. When I said that moms can do that too, he demanded proof.

I'm definitely not posting a video of myself and my daughter for the scrutiny of some misogynistic stranger. And besides, I don't roughhouse much with my daughter - but I used to.

On another YouTube channel, about exercise, a farmer commented that he doesn't exercise, even though he would like to, because he can't afford a sore day. His daily routine of farming involves so many physically demanding, non-optional tasks that he can't afford to take a break if his body needs rest. I commented that I felt the same way as a single mother of a young child. Even if I'm sore, my daughter still needs me.

It didn't used to be like that. When my daughter was one (the same age as the son of the roughhousing dad I mentioned above), I routinely roughhoused with her. I used to repeatedly throw her onto my bed, or cover her in pillows and squish her, or hang her upside down and wander around with her.

She's gotten bigger since then, but I still can physically do all those things, and she still loves them just as much. And I certainly haven't changed my gender or biological sex since then. I have stopped breastfeeding, but I don't think that made any difference to my willingness to roughhouse. I certainly wasn't somehow more male when I was breastfeeding than I am now.

No, what changed is my dad got sick.

I went from being one of four reasonably healthy adults (me, my parents and my brother) routinely caring for a toddler while living a stable middle class life, to one of three reasonably healthy adults routinely caring for a toddler and a chronically ill adult while struggling with poverty. I picked up more and more of the slack, and when I thought I couldn't possibly take on more, I had to anyways.

If I really needed a break, I used to be able hand my daughter off to someone else for a half an hour and get a rest. If my mom asked me to run an errand and I was tired, I used to be able to say "get dad to do it". I was tired, like any active parent is, but I could rest. I can't now.

And that, I believe, is exactly why more dads roughhouse than moms. Because in the majority of heterosexual couples, the mom is the default parent, and the dad gets to decide how much he wants to help. If he decides to roughhouse with his kids and gets tired, he knows he can hand them to his wife and rest afterwards. If she decides to roughhouse with her kids and gets tired, she can't count on the same from her husband.

And that's why more dads roughhouse. Not because there's something about being male that makes them inherently better at it. But because societal gender roles tell them that moms are the default parents and dads are the fun parents.