Friday, December 08, 2006

Planning for Support or Avoiding the Pain?

Quite awhile ago, I decided to write a post about the horrible Autism Every Day video. It was really upsetting me, but as long as I was watching and writing responses I barely noticed my feelings. Then we had to go, and I left it unfinished, planning to finish it shortly afterwards. As I posted soon after, though, I had a meltdown that night because of all the unhappiness I'd been pushing down.
This was in summertime. It's almost 2007 and the post I planned to finish at my next opportunity is not finished, and many other posts have been made. What happened? I decided to plan for emotional support. Thinking of that meant that every time I considered finishing that post, I'd anticipate how much it would upset me and put it off.
Recently, Amanda Baggs posted about a video by the Judge Rotenberg Center. I considered watching the video she discussed, but didn't have the time. Since then I've had time to recognize how much the JRC reminds me of my first school, only worse, and just how terrifying it is. They directly attack the ways I survived in my first school. I thought to myself 'they can't kill me' whenever I was heading for a big confrontation. I also knew I'd get sent home to understanding parents. The second is how that movie would trigger me.
Once, to my father's outrage, he was told they should treat me worse so I didn't want to get sent home. If I knew my parents would react to me describing how I'd hidden under a table to get away from my teachers and they'd dragged me out, hurting and terrifying me, by saying 'can you talk about something good about the school?' I have no idea how I'd survive. Running away, trying to kill parents/teachers, or pretending I can no longer see, hear or move come to mind. However, I might not be able to escape, and my dislike of hurting others means that killing someone is not something I'll do, and if I did get so desperate that I could bring myself from imagining killing someone to really killing someone, no doubt they'd be able to stop me. And as for the last, 'noncompliance' would be punished, and a punishment causing unbearable pain would be intolerable.
It's like acknowledging that something will hurt has given myself permission to avoid doing things that are important to me. I don't like this. We're home today, me and Mom, so I asked her if she could be there for me while I watch the rest of the Autism Every Day video. Mom told me she couldn't handle it today, but in a couple days she can.
I'm scared that I'll put it off again, that I won't be able to bring myself to do it. I'm worried that maybe Mom is really saying she doesn't care about me enough to put up with me needing support, and she'll put it off again (unreasonable, but try telling my emotions that). I really want to do this, but I'm scared.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did not appeciate the flyer you left on my car at the mall today. Don't think you know everything about the parent of a child with autism just because you have high functioning autism yourself. My 3 year old has AUTISM, not PDD-NOS. He can not speak for himself, so you bet I'm going to speak for him. I love my son no matter what happens, but I will do whatever it takes to make him have an eaier life, and that includes wishing for a cure. You should be ashamed of yourself. You had me in tears.

6:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:40 AM  
Blogger Ettina said...

I have no idea who you are, and certainly have not put any flyers on anyone's car, ever.
I do know that the AutAdvo group has put a link to a page on my site on one of their flyers. You can't assume just because someone's website is on a flyer means they personally left the flyer. It is possible to refer people to a website you agree with, without having written the site yourself.
Also, how is it that I should worry about you being in tears, while you support an organization that had me in tears with their hateful video? I don't like hearing people talk about how horrible their kids are for having traits that I also have.
Don't assume you know everything about me, either. How do you know I wasn't nonverbal at 3? Plenty of kids with PDD NOS don't talk at that age. Besides, what we are opposed to is parents thinking they are the only 'voice of autism'. Not all autistics are little kids. Many autistic adults and adolescents can speak, or communicate in other ways, and deserve to be listened to even if - especially if - they disagree with the mainstream view of autism.
Lastly, being autistic does make things more difficult. So does being gay, or black. I'm probably doing a lot more to help autistic people, by advocating acceptance of diversity and proper assistance for those who need it, than you are by wishing your son cured.

10:02 AM  
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