Don't Tell Me It Made Me Stronger
Recently, I had a disagreement with a new friend, and it's got me upset.
I shared some of my experiences and my brother's experiences in school, and how they affected me, and mentioned that I want to homeschool my children. And they started talking about how adversity can make you stronger, and suggesting my children might be deprived.
I hate this line of argument so much!
Firstly, it's not true. Yes, mild 'adversity', like not getting a toy you want or having to do chores, does make you stronger. But trauma injures you, and leaves lasting scars. It also makes you more vulnerable in the future.
There are also a pile of unfortunate implications to the idea that trauma can make you stronger.
First, as my friend shows, it can be used as an argument to avoid protecting people from harm. I have even heard abusers argue that they abused their child to "toughen them up". A woman in Courage to Heal describes sexually abusing a child she was babysitting, because she figured it was inevitable that someone would abuse that child, and she thought doing it first would help lessen the harm when someone else did it. From a social justice perspective, why bother fighting oppression? It just makes the oppressed person stronger, right? Your oppressors are basically doing you a favor.
Second, it blames the victims who aren't stronger. My friend hinted that they thought people use trauma as an excuse. If you're supposed to be stronger for your experiences, and you're not, then what's wrong with you?
Third, what about the people who don't make it? There are people who've killed themselves for similar experiences to what my brother and I have experienced. What to make of their deaths, if adversity makes you stronger? Were they weak? Unworthy? Did they use their trauma as an excuse? Are they an acceptable loss for the strength others gained from their experience?
Don't dare tell me my pain has made me stronger. I'm wounded and struggling. I don't know if I'll ever be as resilient as most people who haven't suffered trauma. I am most definitely not stronger. Nothing excuses the harm that has been done to me, nothing makes it acceptable. I was hurt, it was wrong, and the wounds will never completely fade.
I shared some of my experiences and my brother's experiences in school, and how they affected me, and mentioned that I want to homeschool my children. And they started talking about how adversity can make you stronger, and suggesting my children might be deprived.
I hate this line of argument so much!
Firstly, it's not true. Yes, mild 'adversity', like not getting a toy you want or having to do chores, does make you stronger. But trauma injures you, and leaves lasting scars. It also makes you more vulnerable in the future.
There are also a pile of unfortunate implications to the idea that trauma can make you stronger.
First, as my friend shows, it can be used as an argument to avoid protecting people from harm. I have even heard abusers argue that they abused their child to "toughen them up". A woman in Courage to Heal describes sexually abusing a child she was babysitting, because she figured it was inevitable that someone would abuse that child, and she thought doing it first would help lessen the harm when someone else did it. From a social justice perspective, why bother fighting oppression? It just makes the oppressed person stronger, right? Your oppressors are basically doing you a favor.
Second, it blames the victims who aren't stronger. My friend hinted that they thought people use trauma as an excuse. If you're supposed to be stronger for your experiences, and you're not, then what's wrong with you?
Third, what about the people who don't make it? There are people who've killed themselves for similar experiences to what my brother and I have experienced. What to make of their deaths, if adversity makes you stronger? Were they weak? Unworthy? Did they use their trauma as an excuse? Are they an acceptable loss for the strength others gained from their experience?
Don't dare tell me my pain has made me stronger. I'm wounded and struggling. I don't know if I'll ever be as resilient as most people who haven't suffered trauma. I am most definitely not stronger. Nothing excuses the harm that has been done to me, nothing makes it acceptable. I was hurt, it was wrong, and the wounds will never completely fade.
posted by Ettina at 7:30 AM
1 Comments:
"I have even heard abusers argue that they abused their child to "toughen them up". A woman in Courage to Heal describes sexually abusing a child she was babysitting, because she figured it was inevitable that someone would abuse that child, and she thought doing it first would help lessen the harm when someone else did it. "
It's amazing what kinds of insane things people will convince themselves of in order to justify the horrible things they do.
I agree 100% with your post. School and the bullies there traumatized me. I'm *still* learning and unlearning things in order to recover from that (I'm 34 now). All of the stuff I went through at school was a huge setback. It didn't make me strong. The decision I made to grow to the best of my ability in spite of that has, though. But I only have myself to thank for that, and will not give school or the bullies any credit at all for it.
I always advocate alternatives to school any time schooling comes up as a topic anywhere. Unschooling is my personal favourite. Democratic schools also sound interesting.
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