Advice Is Usually A Trap
In my experience, as an autistic person with PTSD, a lot of the time, when someone gives me advice about how to handle a problem related to my disabilities, I get defensive. I've had people call me out on this and tell me that I'm just 'shooting down all of their suggestions'. People see giving advice as helpful and well-intentioned, and I should be happy about it
But if you understand the reason behind this behaviour, it makes perfect sense.
The thing is, for the vast majority of people, my problems aren't seen as real. Or else they're seen as the closest NT equivalent, which is very different and much easier to solve.
Throughout my childhood, over and over, I've had this experience:
Adult notices I'm struggling with something, or I tell them I am.
Adult offers The Solution(TM) which is supposed to Solve Everything.
I try their suggestion and it utterly fails, or works for awhile and then falls apart, or works but doesn't completely solve the problem.
Adult gets mad at me because clearly now the problem must be My Fault because I'm not using The Solution properly.
As I got wise to this, I started refusing any solution that I wasn't 100% sure would work, as long as there was any chance the person could blame me for it not working. And I started to automatically mistrust anyone who tries too hard to solve my problems for me.
But if you understand the reason behind this behaviour, it makes perfect sense.
The thing is, for the vast majority of people, my problems aren't seen as real. Or else they're seen as the closest NT equivalent, which is very different and much easier to solve.
Throughout my childhood, over and over, I've had this experience:
Adult notices I'm struggling with something, or I tell them I am.
Adult offers The Solution(TM) which is supposed to Solve Everything.
I try their suggestion and it utterly fails, or works for awhile and then falls apart, or works but doesn't completely solve the problem.
Adult gets mad at me because clearly now the problem must be My Fault because I'm not using The Solution properly.
As I got wise to this, I started refusing any solution that I wasn't 100% sure would work, as long as there was any chance the person could blame me for it not working. And I started to automatically mistrust anyone who tries too hard to solve my problems for me.
posted by Ettina at 3:21 PM
3 Comments:
Thanks for this Ettina - its so good to remind us neurotypicals of this.
I admit I am still not fully wise to this:
"As I got wise to this, I started refusing any solution that I wasn't 100% sure would work, as long as there was any chance the person could blame me for it not working. And I started to automatically mistrust anyone who tries too hard to solve my problems for me."
Especially the blame part - that led to internalisation and worse.
And you can become much wiser much younger - this is what some people call the "Asperger Defence". And make a lot of money on it like AspergerExperts.
And the whole "*perhaps* it *might* *help*" for your personal and operational definition of *help*.
And I would like to know how neurotypicals would deal with similar intractable problems at a similar cognitive and emotional stage/enmeshment?
There are easy to solve problems, solvables and insolubles.
Post a Comment
<< Home